The "gold" of relationships appears within the realm of conflict: a constant movement between misattunement and repair. Some misattunements are small, some are pretty catastrophic... but whatever their size, they all require the healing balm of effective repair.
Repair from misattunements (aka conflict / arguments) builds trust. This is really, really important. When the sharp word goes unacknowledged; when the silent withdrawal remains unspoken; when the hurtful misunderstanding lingers without a bridge to reconnect, Repair is needed to restore connection.. and build TRUST.
A simple “I’m sorry” often isn’t enough to fully relieve a hurt partner. To properly repair the problem and protect the security of their relationship, the offending partner must do their best to do a sincere apology. Here are some things that really help:
1. Eliminate all distractions so you can be fully present
2. Go face-to-face so you have a better chance of helping your partner stay regulated and remaining regulated yourself
3. Take ownership of your mistake.
4. Get specific about what your did to hurt your partner.
5. Actively listen to your partner to ensure you fully understand what hurt them. Do your best to reflect back what you hear. (this eliminates assumptions... you need to apologise for the correct thing, and what actually hurt them might be different to what you thought).
6. Rapidly repair emotional injuries. The longer the issue is unresolved, the more likely it will enter into long-term memory, which can create ongoing issues for your relationship.
7. Resist the urge to explain what your intentions were! Doing so is a form of "justifying your hurtful behaviour", and will only dilute the experience for the receiver of the apology.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to stay connected? Repair Repair Repair. As couples therapist Terry Real says, "When it comes to who's right and who's wrong.... the only answer is 'Who Cares?!'" there are extreme examples of course where this is not correct). What Terry is referring to is that when we get stuck on the right/wrong polarisation mountain... there has to be a loser. And that loser will be your relaionship, your connection, and each other.
Letting go of being right is one of the five winning strategies that, used over time, will lead you both to healthy and safe connection.
~ Some of this material is adapted from the PACT Institute.
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