Ever been in an argument where you knew it wasn’t going anywhere good?
Most fights don’t start as full-blown explosions. They build. They escalate. And once they hit a certain point, it’s almost impossible to turn them around. The key to stopping a fight isn’t about what you say after it gets out of control—it’s about catching it before it spirals.
How to Know When a Fight Is About to Turn Toxic
Watch out for these warning signs:
1. Voices get louder / more aggressive – When volume goes up, understanding goes down.
2. Sarcasm / passive aggression / criticism creeps in – Resentment will then start replacing connection.
3. One or both partners stop listening – Instead of hearing, you’re just waiting to respond.
When these start happening, it’s no longer a productive conversation—it’s a fight waiting to explode. The best time to stop a fight is before it spirals.
Here’s What Most People Do When Things Get Heated (neither work)
1. Push on through – Insist on fixing things in the moment, even when emotions are too high.
2. Shut down – Withdraw instead of addressing what’s really happening (which is now the dysregulation).
Neither of these two options will work for the relationship. The best option? Take a pause before things get worse.
The Timeout Rule
When you notice the argument spiraling, here’s what to do:
1. Call a timeout – Say, “I need 20 minutes. Let’s take a break and come back to this.”
2. Separate – Cool off in different spaces to reset emotionally.
3. Reflect – Ask yourself, “What do I really want here? To win or to understand?”
4. Come back only when you’re ready – The goal is to actually hear each other.
A timeout isn’t about avoiding the fight—it’s about protecting the relationship.
If you’d like a full breakdown of how to take a timeout that actually works, check this out:
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
~ Rumi
Thanks to Terry Real and the Relational Life Institute for this material
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